Wednesday, 26 September 2018

About me

About me

Hey, everyone my names Jo and I'm thirty years old, I've wanted to begin this blog for so long. However due to the horrible effects of anxiety and depression I've been too afraid to start. I'm forever scrolling online, looking for advice and reassurance from others and it's all so informative and very comforting to know I'm not alone. But I want to be able to speak openly and freely about my thoughts and feelings and hopefully make some new friends in the process because having depression and anxiety makes me feel very lonely, and bothersome to others, So it would be nice to be able to get to know somebody with the same mindset as me.

How my Anxiety and Depression began

When I was a child, I always felt as if I was different I can remember playschool everyone would be making friends and enjoying themselves and I would be the one sitting in the corner of the room with a Barbie doll in hand watching everybody else. Truth is I wanted to be involved I would imagine joining in, having fun and creating memories, but I couldn't, something held me back I felt physically unable to participate If somebody would sit with me I'd begin sweating, shaking, and feeling unable to speak. This carried on for several years, I was always the outcast, with not even a handful of friends.

My parents divorced when I was a child and living in two different homes with a new stepmom and stepdad made me feel very confused and just very sad that we were not a proper family anymore. I remember always being sad, but I barely revealed my true feelings because I didn't want to upset anyone. It was a very horrible time and seeing each parent with somebody different made me feel angry and alone. During my teens, I had zero confidence and school felt like the worst place on earth, I was bullied, humiliated, and made to feel worthless. All I could do was try not to draw any attention to myself this continued for several years and I began to believe, that there was something wrong with me and I wasn't normal. I cried each and every day, I felt unable to reach out to people because I automatically assumed people would not take me seriously and laugh at me, so I bottled everything up and kept it hidden.

My Health anxiety grew very bad when a close family friend became sick watching her deteriorate before my very eyes was horrifying to see, and watching her being rushed to the hospital several times a night was terrifying. I began to get scared about my health, every time I didn't feel well I would assume the worst case scenarios and desperately seek reassurance. Sadly she passed away, which made me fear anything to do with my health I avoided hospitals, canceled routine check-ups and would worry constantly about dying and diseases.

Since I became a mother in 2012, I've been anxious the entire time, even worse now than ever before it's a parents job to worry but not excessively. Thoughts about his health and his well being run through my head every minute of the day and I'm desperately trying not to cause him anxiety and pass any of my insecurities on to him. I want him to be happy and stress-free which is very hard to do when I can't get through a single day without feeling panicked.

I finally plucked up a sufficient amount of courage to visit a doctor, and after having a mini-breakdown in front of him, He prescribed me some anti-depression tablets and referred me for some CBT which I'm still waiting for. Each day is a struggle all I want to do is curl up with a warm duvet and hide away from the rest of the world, which can be a real pain when you're a mother and have a million things to do. Until my CBT I'm finding many new ways to calm down and relax which have helped immensely. 

I really hope this blog can help some of you that have felt anxious and alone like I have. If you ever need a chat, feel free to contact me or subscribe to receive my upcoming posts. xxx 

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