Tuesday, 4 December 2018

How my anxiety affects the most simplest things

So this morning I once again woke up late but I managed to keep on schedule and get my son to school on time, then got on a bus and awkwardly sat down wishing it would hurry up so I could get home. Once I arrived at my stop, I got off the bus felt in my pocket for my phone and realized my weekly rider wasn't there it must have fallen out. The bus was still sitting there allowing people on and off, but I just stood fidgeting in my pocket pretending I was searching for something to save any embarrassment. Now considering the price of that bloody ticket, I should have quickly got on and got it back, but no I decided to stand there looking like an idiot and instead walked away while silently panicking. 

I went home and phoned the bus company they took my number and will phone if anybody hands it in. I was so angry with myself it would have taken two seconds to get on grab it and get back off, but once again anxiety prevented me from doing something so simple. So I started to think about some other times when my anxiety has acted up in public can you relate to any of these?

  1. Needing to wee in a public restroom, I've sat watching the toilet door seeing people go in and out waiting for my opportunity when its quiet. I'll begin to wee then suddenly stop when I hear somebody come in, and the second the hand dryer starts or a toilet flushes ill try and do the quickest pee ever, and I'll wait in the cubicle until that person has left. 
  2. Grocery shopping, I'll casually walk around each aisle pretending I'm trying to find something so I don't have to wait in the long line full of people. 
  3. If people ask me for directions, ill say I don't know I'm new to this area, even though I've lived here for around six or seven years and I know exactly where they're looking for. But the idea of having to explain it properly scares me, I know I will end up stumbling my words and look silly. 
  4. Outside my son's classroom, they usually stick letters for us parents to read on the window, everyone will walk over and have a look but I physically can't I worry that everyone will look at me and laugh. 
  5. If I'm rushing to get the bus and its already at the stop, I'll quickly walk over but if it leaves before I get there, ill carry on walking so nobody notices and just go to the next bus stop hopefully not missing the next one. 
  6. If I'm waiting to pay for something I'll count the money in my had a million times praying that I have enough, or if I'm paying by card ill start to worry that it will decline. 
  7. If I'm eating something crunchy in front of people I'll litrally try my hardest not to make any noise, let's say I'm eating a bag of crisps instead of chewing them I'll just leave the crisps sitting on my tongue to dissolve until I hear some kind of noise then I'll bite down.
  8. Needing to pass wind in public is the worst, I stand still and hold it in then quickly pull my phone out from my pocket and pretend I've got an important text then when the feeling passes I'll carry on walking. I mean who hasn't actually done that? 
  9. When I'm walking down the street and trip up a little, I'll laugh to myself walk a little bit faster and feel mortified.
  10. I always have my phone on silent when I'm outside which is really annoying as I miss so many calls, but I hate it when my phone rings and everyone looks around its even worse when I have an embarrassing ringtone. 

I would love to know that I'm not alone in some of these, they're so embarrassing sometimes.

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Is there anything else that makes you anxious?

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