Monday, 10 December 2018

How social anxiety ruins every single night out for me

Nights out when you have social anxiety can be so scary, just the idea of walking into a packed place is horrifying especially when you probably only know like two people there.

This past weekend I attended a close friends wedding and I wanted to get out of it so badly but having stupid anxiety prevented me from cancelling because I was too embarrassed to make that dreaded call. The wedding was okay actually because there was no focus on me, it was the reception afterwards when I felt like a massive spare part. I felt anxious, self-conscious, embarrassed, afraid, and lonely during the entire thing.  Everyone was enjoying themselves dancing, laughing and genuinely having a great time but I could not get in the right frame of mind all I wanted to do was go home and get back to my isolated world where I can relax and be myself. Below is pretty much how my evening began and ended. Do you experience anything like this? If you do then let me know in the comments, I'd love to know that I'm not the only one.

Getting ready

Getting ready took so long I couldn't figure out what to wear whatever I decided was either too small, too big, made me look too under dressed or too overdressed. My make up didn't go to plan, trying to style my hair took forever, and I told myself I wasn't going a million times but thanks to a small glass of wine I finally got my shit together and accepted how I looked.

Arriving and slipping over

After trying to persuade myself to go for the hundredth time, I arrived and tried to act all confident, so nobody would suss that I felt uncomfortable and anxious. Of course, I slipped over which could have possibly been from the glass of wine, which could easily affect me seeing as I'm such a lightweight these days. So as I got up off my arse,  I smiled said whoops😳😱😦 and frantically walked away, but I could practically feel everyone's eyes on me laughing at my misfortune.


I hate introductions at the best of times, but having to introduce myself to groups of people I've never even met was terrifying, I mumbled each word, laughed at the wrong times, and smiled during serious conversations.


Then came the time to have pictures taken I tried my best to avoid anyone with a camera but it was inevitable, I was going to have to suck it up and pose for at least two pictures. I never look good and always pull some ridiculous face. 

Eating dinner

As it was one of my close friend's wedding and I've known her since school, she had one to many drinks and began to ramble on about some pretty embarrassing memory from years ago leaving me mortified. Total strangers began asking me questions about it and I was the topic of conversation for the next half an hour.  I felt incredibly awkward and could feel myself burning up. 


Sure enough, I'll be asked to dance, and unless I'm seriously drunk, I'll probably say something like ' No I'm not drunk enough yet, maybe later' then I'll just quietly watch from the sides with my drink smiling and awkwardly nodding my head to some music I've never even heard off . 

Clock watch

By the end of the night, I was so ready to go home, everyone was drunk by this point all having fun, but all I could do was watch the clock wishing time would hurry up so I could leave. 

I wished I had the courage to join in, but it was impossible. I felt unable to breathe and had to take several bathroom breaks just to calm myself down. It's horrible and makes me dread any social occasion. 

As I said comment below If you have ever felt like this, I'd love to hear from you x

No comments:

Post a Comment