Thursday, 21 February 2019

Some of my most weird and anxious thoughts throughout the day.

Some of my most weird and anxious thoughts throughout the day.

I thought It would be fun to write a post on every weird, strange and overemotional thoughts I had enter my mind today. I've seen somebody do this before and I found it really interesting, My life isn't particularly exciting though, so I apologize if this is a little boring, but hopefully, you like it. I've remembered most of them and decided to share them with you. These began in the morning through to evening, of course, I'm not going to write every single one I had because that would take way to long. The times may not be entirely accurate but are close enough.

Here goes... 

7.05  am 
oh god no, I don't want to get up, maybe I can pretend im sick then my partner can take on this house today. 

7.15 am 
Okay, I can hear him huffing and cant press snooze on my alarm anymore, I best get up. 

7.40 am 
Right, get up and sort yourself out woman, I need coffee 

8.17 am
Coffee is life, why does it taste so good. but now my hearts beating so fast, I feel sick, I think I made it to strong, JUST TRY TO CALM DOWN JO. 

After preparing breakfast and eventually calming down I realized Its a lovely day outside the sun is shining for a change, so I was debating taking a little trip out somewhere.

10.08 am 
Maybe I can take my son to the beach, even though it looks hot, It's probably still cold, what the heck am I going to wear? will I look stupid without a coat? will people think I'm a bad mother for not putting a coat on my son? oh no maybe we could stay in and watch a film instead. 

10.18 am
Now I feel bad and guilty, stop being so ridiculous. Enough of the excuses get yourself out there and enjoy yourself. 

10.45 am 
oh my god, why do children never listen, why is it so hard to put their foot in a sock, does it warrant a massive tantrum on the floor? 

10.51 am 

11.01 am 
No, I don't want to go, there are too many people. 

11.15 am
Right were all ready, grab the keys and let's go. 

11.16 am
oh great, where are the keys? where did I put them? FOR GODSAKE WHY DOES EVERYTHING GO MISSING IN THIS HOUSE? 

11.45 am
Oh god, I thought it was really warm, I better go back and get our coats.

11.49 am 

finally, we're on our way, I hope nobody is noticing how I'm walking or the way my hair is litrally flying all over the place in the wind and in my poxy mouth.

12.10 pm 

Were here, It's so lovely and peaceful, I just hope nobody thinks we are silly for coming down when it's not all that warm. 

Some of my most weird and anxious thoughts throughout the day.

12.25 pm 
How cool would it be to see a shark or a whale right now just jump out of the water

12.30 pm
I would love to go in, but its freezing and I can't swim

12.39 pm 
I'm gonna run away from the waves, It's so much fun I'm like a child all over again. 

13.00 pm 
Oh no, there are people coming, I better stop running and act my age, They've just smiled at me don't be rude Jo smile back preferably without pulling some stupid face. 

13.15 pm
I love to throw stones in the sea It's so much fun but imagine how much it would hurt if one hit me on the head, I hope when I Throw them I'm not harming any fish. Oh, now I feel bad Im gonna stop. 

13.30 pm
Getting chilly now, time to go home. My child never listens how can I get him off this beach, I know I'll remind him of some amazing chocolate we have waiting for him at home. 

Okay, I know its bad to bribe, but sometimes it just has to be done. 

13.50 pm 
finally home, time for another coffee and another snack, I wonder how many Maltesers I can fit in my mouth at once.

I only managed 7 before I nearly threw up got effort though. 

14.55 pm 
Saw a random post on facebook earlier, somebody asked how long would it take a giraffe to throw up, kind of intrigued now I'm gonna have to google it. 

Bit random but if you want to know do a quick search and you will see. 

15.10 pm 
Oh no, I've got a very random headache in the corner of my eye which paracetamol is not touching. what could it be? 

15.25 pm 
I'm gonna have to google this, there must be some explanation apart from a brain tumor or eye cancer, I need to ring my mum about this. 

After a very long chat with my mum, she practically laughed and told me to stop being so dramatic, I'm not dramatic but its very scary when I have something wrong and can't seem to get rid of it. 

16.49 pm 
oh, great time for dinner what can I make that takes less than one minute? nothing, brilliant a quick and easy Chili for us then and an Omelette for our son

17.15 pm 
Please don't say you don't like Omelettes, you have had them many times before there is nothing wrong with it. 

17.16 pm 
There is no hair in it. 

17.17 pm 
there are no vegetables in it. 

17.18 pm 

18.20 pm 
Yes, I'll get pudding, yes I'll make a coffee, yes I'll iron just about every inch of clothing in this place, yes I'll feed the cat. I'll just do everything, shall I? while you my lovely other half, sits and plays football on the PlayStation!!!

19.00 pm 
Why does my leg suddenly ache for no reason? time for another google session 

19.12 pm 
Oh great so I've either got restless legs, a blood clot, varicose veins or I've just overworked them, slim chance of overworking them, I've only been to a beach not even a ten minute walk away. 

19.20 pm 
No please don't make me read the same story before bed over and over again, lets read one of your new books. No your gonna make me read the same thing okay here goes... 

19.30 pm 
Time to go to sleep now please sleep I want to have a bath and relax 

19.35 pm 
No there are no monsters, No there are no ghosts, No there is not a snake under your bed, no there is not a gremlin in the wardrobe, shh now time to sleep. 

20.00 pm 
I love baths there so amazing I feel like nothing can disturb me. (Just as I thought that my son peeps his head around the door and informs me that he had to wake up because he forgot to say goodnight to the hamster, he then took himself back to bed)

20.15 pm 
I best make sure he's okay and has got some covers on because it's bloody freezing. Aww, I litrally love him so much however much he annoys me hes so adorable and precious. Im gonna give him a hug. 

20.18 pm 
Oh, crap he's waking up quick run get out of the room. 

20.35 pm
Why is it everyone seems to be having lots of fun in photos on Facebook, and I'm sat here on my own resenting the fact that they live life each day without any worries and full of confidence. 

20.49 pm
I can't stop thinking about everyone else, and I'm so worried that there's something wrong with me do people find me weird? Do people find me unapproachable? Am I just really boring.? Stop Jo, try to take your mind of it don't sit and wallow and definitely don't cry over this again. 

21.00 pm 
I'm going to watch a film I think to take my mind off everything. I wonder what it would be like to be an actress, so amazing, but I would be rubbish considering how socially anxious and awkward I am. 

21.30 pm 
over a hundred channels and I cannot find anything to watch, I'll listen to some music instead.

I don't know about any of you, but no matter how sad or anxious I feel I always listen to sad music I have no idea why because I just end up crying my eyes out. It only lasted ten minutes this time then I had to turn it off. 

21.45 pm
Screw it I'll go to bed, I feel anxious, stressed and emotional what's the point in staying awake. 

After a while, I quickly fell asleep. Well, that was a rather random day apart from the obsessive worrying about my health, and the sudden wave of emotions before bed, my leg still aches but at least my headache has gone so at least that's something. 

If you've made it this far without getting bored then thanks so much for reading. x

Wednesday, 20 February 2019

Versatile Blogger Award

Versatile Blogger Award

So I was casually scrolling on Twitter this evening, and I couldn't believe my eyes I was only nominated for the versatile blogger award, I was so excited that I grabbed my sons hands and did a little happy dance he was pretty confused and looked at me like I was crazy. I really couldn't believe it when I began this blog I didn't think anybody would even read it or even care what I had to say, so I'm super excited and can not stop grinning from ear to ear.

Thanks so much, Nikki Blissett for nominating me. You guys should definitely check out her blog, she also writes about mental health and her site is amazing and inspiring. You can find her blog right here digital

What's a versatile blogger award? 

The versatile blogger award is given to bloggers by bloggers as recognition of their content and all the hard work they put into their blogs.

The rules of the award. 

  • Thank the person who nominated you, out of all the people out there they chose to pick you and that's amazing.
  • Share a link back to their blog 
  • List seven facts about yourself 
  • Nominate 15 blogs that you love or have recently discovered 

I've listed several facts about myself before, so I'm going to have to dig deep in my mind and try to think of seven things I neglected to mention they may not be particularly exciting but here goes.
I love candles, I have a huge collection, and every birthday I'm guaranteed to end up with a dozen more because everyone knows I'm obsessed.
I was scared of the dark all throughout my childhood, even now I cannot sleep unless there is some sort of light on.
I'm allergic to penicillin
I'm terrified of rollercoasters, I once promised my family I would go on everything and I instantly froze on the spot, that was a pretty long day I ended up being the bag holder watching everyone enjoying themselves.
I love camping.
When I was little I was obsessed with the moon and stars I would spend many evenings in the garden with my little telescope.
I have a massive fascination with sharks, I have no idea why because they honestly terrify me.
Here are 15 amazing bloggers who I nominate to receive the versatile blogger award you guys are amazing. 

Jess the brave and strong
Jen cannon
Zuri Sophilia Walker
Lauras life 
Parenting IRl
Sugi says
self-care overload
Live Mentally Well
Wellbean Blog
Chris's bpd life
Anneli Roberts

Monday, 18 February 2019

100 Things that seriously irritate me

100 Things that seriously irritate me

They're numerous things I can't stand in life, things that really do irritate me or make me feel physically sick and I thought it would be fun to list these right now for you all.

Do any of these make you want to hide in a pitch dark room away from these terrible things, or is it just me?

  1. People who pick their nose 
  2. Vomit
  3. Bad breath
  4. Mold
  5. Spiders
  6. When people touch their eyeballs 
  7. Walking behind really slow people, or people that are casually standing still having a chat in the middle of the street.
  8. Awkward silences
  9. Crowds
  10. People who spit in the street
  11. Bird Poo
  12. When people throw their rubbish on the floor especially when there is a bin right next to them 
  13. When one ear on my headphones breaks
  14. Dirty kitchen sides
  15. Scratching sounds 
  16. Confrontation
  17. Self-obsessed people 
  18. Rudeness
  19. Being ignored for no apparent reason 
  20. A slow laptop 
  21. When my hair gets tangled 
  22. When Im having a cuddle with my partner or son and they accidentally lean on my hair (so painful) 
  23. When a nail breaks 
  24. Cutting onions I cry every time 
  25. People who judge others 
  26. When I arrive somewhere and realize I've forgotten something 
  27. Having to wake up really early 
  28. Running out of coffee or tea
  29. When a lightbulb breaks 
  30. Really bossy people 
  31. Periods
  32. Dirty nails 
  33. When you see girls wearing hardly any clothing in the middle of winter (put on a jumper for god sake)
  34. Getting older
  35. Tv adverts
  36. When I finish an amazing series
  37. Hayfever
  38. The smell of wee especially when walking into a public restroom 
  39. Using public restrooms in general
  40. Uncrispy bacon 
  41. Being late 
  42. People that lie for no reason 
  43. Stubbing my toe
  44. Long toenails
  45. The random hard bit on a slice of bread
  46. When people take selfies every two minutes 
  47. When I'm trying to be sociable and people are just fixated on their phones ignoring everything I say. 
  48. Attention seekers
  49. When I get all cozy in bed then need a wee 
  50. Heartburn and indigestion
  51. Really smug people 
  52. People who look down there nose at everyone
  53. Having no money
  54. Hypocrites
  55. Feeling dizzy
  56. Hangovers
  57. People being mean to animals, I once saw a bunch of teens harassing an injured seagull and I made them leave it alone then tried to help but it got away. 
  58. When somebody messages me several times in a row (just write one long message please) 
  59. When men leave the toilet seat up
  60. When you notice wee on the toilet seat 
  61. When I'm in a rush and can't find my keys 
  62. When people chew their food with there mouths open
  63. When I want to watch a classic movie and its not on Netflix or Amazon Prime
  64. Preparing chicken 
  65. When people try to tell me how to raise my son 
  66. When people say 'oh well, life goes on' 
  67. When people say 'get over it'
  68. Toothaches
  69. Bullying
  70. That really annoying itch after I shave my legs and the hair is beginning to grow back
  71. When people try and force me some food after I've said no about ten times 
  72. Rude shop assistants 
  73. When parents scream at children in the street for no reason
  74. When it's so hot that I can't sleep 
  75. When I hold open a door for someone and they refuse to thank me (I won't bloody bother next time)
  76. Tangled headphones
  77. Drain hair
  78. When people put an empty milk bottle or tub of butter back in the fridge (have you ever heard of a bin?)
  79. When I have a runny nose in public and I don't have any tissue 
  80. Garlic breath 
  81. When people with no responsibilities and lots of money complain that their life is hard 
  82. When people talk over me 
  83. When girls complain about everything such as appearance, hair, nails, botox, diets, clothing (give me pizza, no makeup, baggy jumpers, and messy hair anyday.)
  84. When I want to cook a nice meal and I'm missing one specific ingredient
  85. When socks mysteriously disappear
  86. When I make my son a nice meal and he tells me he doesn't like it without even trying
  87. When im trying to make an important phone call and my son decides its time to scream and shout and the top of his voice
  88. Also when I'm on the phone I hate it when my partner tries to make me laugh and I have to try my best to act serious
  89. Asking if anybody needs the toilet and they all answer no but as soon as I start to go, everybody's suddenly desperate
  90. When I wake up in the middle of the night to my son standing right next to me beside the bed (its honestly like a horror film)
  91. When I step on a piece of lego (oh my god, the pain)
  92. When a DVD is not in its case
  93. When I forget to charge my phone
  94. Insect Bites 
  95. When I can't get an annoying song out of my head (damn you baby shark Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah)
  96. When someone repeats everything I say
  97. Bitchy people
  98. When my cat decides to lay right on top of me and I haven't got the heart to move him, So I lay uncomfortably until he decides to wake up. 
  99. When I start to talk and nobody listens
  100. When I can't think of anything more to add to this list

Feel free to add some more to this list,
What annoys you? 

Saturday, 16 February 2019

I've come to realise I have no friends and must suck at friendships!!

It's Saturday night and what am I doing, enjoying a cup of coffee while watching the haunting of hill house, which is really starting to freak me out, which is why I've switched it off and decided to write this post for you all, I hope you can all relate to it in some way.  

I've written previously about how my anxiety makes my friendships really hard but I've since come to realize that I actually don't have any friends that I can count on nobody to talk with, rant with, laugh with, enjoy a few cheeky glasses of wine with, nobody to share any of my vulnerabilities with. It's very depressing. Over the years, I've become a sort of recluse much preferring to stay in my own little bubble away from pain and constant friendship dramas. So in a way, I've become a tiny bit selfish and have neglected those around me. I've tried to push myself and brush my feelings aside because I know it will benefit me in the long run, but It's impossible because when anxiety and depression take over, I can't even get out of bed let alone venture out into the world and socialize. 

I've had around three friendships in the last ten years two of them I've not been overly bothered about as we were not as close and this other friend, I'll briefly explain how we met and how good mates we were at the beginning and how it all went wrong. 

We met at work, and although we didn't talk much at first, we gradually started to become great friends. We enjoyed evenings out, holidays and spoke on the phone for hours on end it was amazing. After I gave birth my entire life changed, and I had absolutely no time to socialize. However, she didn't take this lightly and would ignore all my messages she refused to talk to me unless I made the first move and spoke to her first, which I don't mind doing but come on have some patience please your friend has just given birth, her mind is all over the place, she's exhausted, hasn't showered for a while, her hair is a greasy and she's suffering bloody depression give her a break. But oh no I got treated like I did something wrong, I certainly didn't deserve it.

So after a while, we began to see each other again and granted I was often to busy to make any contact, and I would forget to ask how she was but seriously, pick up the bloody phone and make the first move for a change, friendships are not one-sided. This led to yet another falling out we were celebrating her birthday party, and I was very reluctant to attend because there were so many people and being socially anxious this horrified me. However, I brushed my feelings aside, and after a few too many drinks I began to relax and enjoy myself. Out of nowhere one of her friends confronted me stating that I'm very disrespectful to my friend excuse me, where did that come from.? She began to tell me how amazing my friend was and how she didn't deserve to be treated that way. You can probably imagine how angry that made me feel I tried to defend myself, but it all got too much, and I ran outside for some air. My friend came out and attempted to comfort me. I just exploded and told her how depressed I was, how I felt like I couldn't go on, and how all I needed was a friend somebody who could be there for me with no judgments, and how I felt unable too leave the house or call or text. She apologized, but I decided enough was enough, I was going home and didn't want to talk to anyone. We eventually made up, but it was only a matter of time before it happened again, at a new years eve party which I spoke about here. I realized it was only going to carry on and I was fed up with being the bad guy I was just a struggling new mum I didn't deserve to be treated that way. It became toxic we couldn't agree on anything and I was beginning to lose all respect. We occasionally speak now and again but are not as close as we once were, which really upsets me and reminds me just how lonely I am. 

Which brings me to today, and It's honestly the loneliest I've ever felt. I become super jealous when I see any of my former friends enjoying parties or holidays and I question why I'm never invited or even talked too. The number of times I've sat crying while scrolling through Facebook is ridiculous. It's such a deflating feeling, seeing everybody having fun enjoying their lives, then there's me alone, with nobody to talk to except family and while that's okay, it's not the same as having fun with friends. 

Tonight my partner had a headache and went to bed early, so I'm left watching this scary show by myself. I decided to send a message to my friend, but once again nothing, no reply, no phone call, nothing. I looked on Facebook and noticed her and two of my other friends out enjoying themselves I thought hello where was my invite, they must not think about me at all. I could just be being paranoid and silly, but that's how my mind works, it makes me automatically assume the worst. 

So I've just sat and realized that I have nobody other than family and it really is a depressing thought. I dread the time I'll have to plan my wedding I don't know who I'll to ask to be a bridesmaid, I'll have nobody to plan my hen party, and nobody to share my insecurities with and that really does upset me. I receive no messages, no phone calls, I'm never tagged in facebook posts, I'm never in anyone's pictures, and I'm always surprised when I can rely on someone. I would love a friendship where I'm accepted for who I am, and I don't have to hide how I feel because I'm actually a lot of fun sometimes. It's when my anxiety plays up that I turn into a total wreck. 

If you've made it this far with me ranting on, then thank you so much for reading and let me know if you've ever felt this way. x 

Friday, 15 February 2019

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

This past week has been hell on earth for me, not only have I had to endure the delightful effects of the stomach flu, but my anxiety has been through the roof, and I've felt extremely tearful, I've struggled each day with all those unwanted, negative emotions and spend a whole five days depressed in bed wallowing in my own self-pity. Thankfully, I'm feeling better now and decided to share some of the things that helped cheer me up when I felt at my lowest.

Watch a feel-good movie. 

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

When Im feeling down a film will always cheer up usually something funny or because I love horror movies ill sit and watch one hiding behind a pillow. It helps me forget about my worries and focus on somebody else's pain and misery.

Paint my nails.

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I have a massive collection of nail varnishes and I love to lay them all out and make my nails really pretty. However, I've found that it's not so easy when you have to run back and forth to the toilet but still fun to try. 


How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I listened to some of my favorite music, It helped me feel good about myself and helped send me off to sleep which was just what I needed.

Cuddle a pet.

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I could cuddle my cat all day, he's so calm considering I never leave him alone. It's a great way to feel comforted and they make the best friends. I didn't let him leave my side for days he's so loyal.

Write it down. 

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I wrote a lot in my journal and I haven't read any of it back yet, I feel as if I need to prepare myself because I ranted alot.

Cry it out

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I don't know about you but I love a good cry it makes me feel so much better and releases all my pent up sadness and pain and I cried a lot.

Watch some funny videos.

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I love to watch some hilarious videos, I start off so serious and by the end of it im laughing and thinking about it for hours afterward.

Read some positive quotes 

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I have quotes plastered all over the place, on notebooks, my phone, my fridge everywhere some of them are really inspiring and can help lift my mood.

A nice long bubble bath. 

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

relaxing in a warm bubble bath helps me instantly relax and feel happy.

Call someone 

How to cheer up during anxious and depressed days.

I usually ring my cousin because she doesn't judge anything I say and will just sit and listen, which then leads to some funny conversations about past experiences and we have a good old laugh.

What cheers you up when your down?

Thursday, 7 February 2019

My post natal depression story and how I eventually dealt with it.

My post natal depression story and how I eventually dealt with it.

I wanted to share this post today to reveal how much I struggled to cope after giving birth and how completely overwhelmed and anxious I was. 

I honestly think more should be said about postnatal depression because what's supposed to be an extremely happy and exciting time can quickly turn into sadness, guilt, anxiety, and negativity. The effect it has on the emotional and mental health of new mothers is very upsetting. It's one of the worst possible feelings, attempting to bond with your baby and each time you look at them you struggle to contain your tears or feel an immense amount of guilt. Plus trying to remain positive when you have a screaming baby with you 24/7 is very hard to do, and we can put huge amounts of pressure on ourselves trying to be perfect.

When I found out I was pregnant, It came as a bit of a shock because I also suffer PCOS and my doctor warned me that it could be difficult to conceive, So it took us six years to finally get pregnant and I was ecstatic I always wanted a child and I felt so blessed that we were going to have one. 
Pregnancy had its downsides though, I was very sick to the point where I couldn't keep any food down, I couldn't drink anything but water, and no matter how much sleep I got I was tired all the time. Over the course of the months, I developed gestational diabetes which resulted in me having to be induced because my blood sugar was way too high. Giving birth was okay, although I had to be put on a drip to speed up my contractions which were slightly horrendous and painful. I screamed for an epidural in the end, and that was that he was born at 5.10 in the morning and the first time I held him was magical I fell in love instantly and cried so much which were, of course, happy tears.

After spending two nights in the hospital we were finally allowed home, and then it started, I struggled to feed him because no matter how much I tried he would not latch on properly, meaning I had to formula feed and this was one of the first things I felt guilty about I remember thinking what sort of mother can't feed her own baby. My partner had to return to work, so I was up each night trying my best to calm him, however, there were occasions where I became so overwhelmed I had to wake my partner up because I couldn't handle it I would pass him over and run to a spare room and start sobbing what made this worse was he'd stop crying once my partner comforted him. I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, what if he didn't like me, and why couldn't I comfort him, I felt like the worst mother ever. My partner would tell me its because he could sense how stressed and worried I was and that babies can pick up on it, so I needed to try to relax and keep calm.

Because of this I hated being alone with my baby I'd panic that I wouldn't be able to settle him, but I had no other choice I had to try my best. I was extremely tired, the bags under my eyes were a kind of yellow, black color I looked like death, my hair was greasy, and I hadn't showered in days. There was one day I decided to take him to the doctors because he would not stop screaming and it was horrendous. Walking into that waiting room with dozens of disapproving looks made me so anxious I was rocking him, trying to feed him, walking up and down the room because he hated it when I sat down but nothing worked. I remember thinking that I couldn't do it anymore, he hates me and is never going to stop screaming. What annoys me the most is when a baby is screaming, people looking over with that annoyed looks on their faces and wondering why you can't calm your baby, there's just no need for that the parents are already stressing out there's no reason to make them feel any worse. Anyway, the doctor asked what milk we were giving him and decided it was best to change brands, and that honestly worked wonders, he became so much calmer and content and that in itself made me feel guilty because he could have been suffering in pain and I didn't even no but fortunately all was good.

After the crying stopped and he became relaxed I felt like I could calm him down by myself and enjoy the precious days we had while he was still small. All of a sudden I started crying every day and one evening I sat in the bath and heard my partner making our baby laugh I smiled before sobbing uncontrollably and all these thoughts bounced around in my head making me believe I was a terrible mum, one because he wouldn't laugh with me no matter how much I tried, and two I was continually on edge I could never relax around him because I was trying my best to keep him safe.
Along came the intrusive thoughts, which I now know are completely normal but they were terrifying. I felt distressed when I noticed mothers and their babies laughing and having loads of fun, and I would feel that sadness start to take over like I was going to break down right then and there why couldn't I will be like that. I googled every symptom I felt and truly believed I was going crazy, especially when I saw some pretty scary stuff if you do a quick google search about postnatal depression you should be able to see what I mean. My appetite decreased, and I was practically living on junk food because I had no energy to cook. I was just exhausted, irritable and sad all the time.

It's true that you find out exactly who your friends are when you've had a baby, I only had a small circle of friends but guess what I didn't hear a word from them for months no phone call, no texts, visits, nothing. When we did finally speak, not at one point did they ask how I was feeling, It was all about them, so I gave up out of anger and dealt with this on my own. What bothered me was I needed a friend, somebody who I could open up too. After a few disagreements, I revealed how alone I actually was, but they didn't seem to care, they had the nerve to say I should have got in touch with them well I'm sorry, but friendships work both ways it is in no way one-sided. So I was completely alone, even though I had family around me I couldn't bring myself to open up to them I felt embarrassed and didn't want it to seem like I wasn't coping.

So, I managed to keep this hidden from everyone and it made me feel a million times worse. One evening, after our baby was asleep me and my partner decided to watch a funny movie but when I was supposed to be laughing I was crying, and I couldn't stop. I broke down and told him everything he tried to comfort me and urged me to go and speak to someone for help. Well, that just made me angry I remember saying I'm not bloody crazy, I'm fine, I'm just tired and a little emotional. He apologized and advised me to tell them how I was feeling as I could be suffering postnatal depression. I hesitantly agreed and booked an appointment for the next day.

My doctor was kind and very patient she litrally just sat and listened. I poured out my feelings, and she asked me why I didn't visit her sooner I told her I was too afraid in case she thought I wasn't capable of looking after my baby. However, she put my mind at rest and assured me that postnatal depression is pretty common and it in no way means I'm incapable or a bad mother. I was prescribed citalopram, and after a few weeks I was no longer crying, no longer feeling guilty and able to breathe. It took a while until I felt like myself again and they were times when I would have one of those upsetting days where I felt like everyone was against me which made me feel very isolated. Eventually, I began to find different ways to relax and was able to stop the tablets through doctors orders. I was now enjoying life each day free from feeling depressed, my anxiety was and still is there but I try to manage that in several different ways.

If you are feeling this way and unsure if its postnatal depression or not then these signs below will hopefully help you out.

  • No confidence 

  • Feeling extremely guilty

  • Lots of negative/intrusive thoughts

  • Feeling hopeless

  • Tearful 

  • Finding it difficult to sleep 

  • Feeling incapable of looking after your baby 

  • Finding it really difficult to bond with your baby

  • Thinking about suicide

  • Lack of interest in anything 

  • Loss of appetite

  • Anxiety or panic attacks

  • Feeling irritable

  • Crying excessively 

Don't sit and suffer as I did, speak to family and friends whoever is around that your trust and can open up too, and go and see a doctor I appreciate how scary it is, because you may feel like they are judging you and think your unable to cope, but they don't they listen and help. So get some help, and you'll start to feel better and be able to enjoy all the precious moments with your baby while they're still small because It passes by so quickly, before you no it there starting school and acting like little teenagers with serious attitude I speak from experience!! 

I hope this can help some of you I'm always here if you ever need a chat. feel free to share, comment and don't forget to subscribe to my blog for post updates and my monthly newsletter. xx

Monday, 4 February 2019

My anxiety attack symptoms

My anxiety attack symptoms

This past week, I've suffered several Anxiety attacks and found it very difficult to calm myself down and its all because of an almost two-week long headache, which has gradually started to affect my neck making it extremely hard to move my head. I've been to the doctors about this, he informed me that I had whiplash, but I always thought you could only suffer whiplash from serious injuries, like a car crash or something. Well I haven't been involved In any accident so how could he explain mine, the only logical explanation is sometimes when I put my son to bed he wants a big hug so he wraps his hands around my neck and pulls me towards him and it does make my neck ache so this could be a possibility. Therefore, my doctor advised me to rest and take some painkillers. Because I suffer from health anxiety, this has completely freaked me out as its sort of unexplainable, and we all know what happened next don't we?

Yes, that's right, I've been on a google search frenzy and learned about a dozen new diseases which I never even knew existed, I once again began to pinpoint each of my symptoms and convinced myself that I had every single one of them.

Although I'm feeling a little better now I spent many nights over the last two weeks very stressed out, I cried and was in so much pain because number one paracetamol wasn't doing anything to help and number two I honestly thought I had something sinister wrong with me this brought on lots of anxiety attacks and usually at the most inappropriate times. Thousands of people experience anxiety attacks every day, and if you're anything like me, then you probably feel like there's something a lot more sinister going on because the attacks can cause a variety of physical symptoms throughout your body. They, can also suddenly appear out of nowhere one minute your fine chilling watching tv then the next minute your sobbing in an uncontrollable mess. Yes, they are terrifying but are completely normal for anxiety sufferers. 

These are every anxiety attack symptoms that I've experienced over the last week. 

  • Palpitations- My heart has been racing so much that I had to phone my GP for advice, which made me feel a billion times worse because anything to do with doctors terrifies me. I got told the usual to try and calm down, lay off the caffeine and take long deep breaths. 
  • Out of breath- I find it very hard to breathe slowly, I struggle to talk and my breathing becomes heavier and faster. 
  • Dizziness and nausea- I become dizzy and nauseous because it's like my mind is racing and I can't slow down my thoughts, everything negative races quickly through my mind, It makes me feel sick and I just have that feeling when you just want to lay down because you feel that horrible dizzy uncomfortable feeling. 
  • Tingling sensations- When I'm sweating and finding it hard to slow down my breathing my whole body tingles and feels very hot. 
  • Trembling- I will start shaking uncontrollably and find it very difficult to stop.
  • Feeling of impending doom- I feel like I'm going to die right then and there, I feel like my body is shutting down and an intense fear washes over me and its hard to focus on anything else. 
  • Crying- I can sit and sob uncontrollably for ages because I'm trying to stop focusing on so many things, the sickness, dizziness, tingling, palpitations, sweating everything and its terrifying and I feel as if im losing all control. 
  • Feeling like my legs are jelly- I can't stand up when I feel like this because It feels like I'm going to fall straight back down again. My legs feel weak and unsteady.  

These are what I experience during an anxiety attack, and they terrify me. 

Do you suffer anxiety attacks? If you do then do these sound familiar? 

Leave a comment I'd love to hear from you and don't forget to subscribe. x

Friday, 1 February 2019

How anxiety has made me incredibly isolated, and unable to maintain any real friendships.

How anxiety has made me incredibly isolated, and unable to maintain any real friendships.

Two nights ago, I was watching tv with a warm blanket and a cup of chamomile tea, and I began to scroll through Facebook and noticed two of my friends hanging out and preparing a trip together and I'll admit I was jealous, they seemed like they were having so much fun with no worries, no sadness, and no problems. Then there's me sitting at home night after night watching the same trash tv, thinking about every wrong decision I've ever made and getting myself in a sad, depressed state. I suddenly felt this overwhelming wave of sadness, I looked around the room and realized how lonely I felt. I tried my best to snap out of it by remembering positive memories and all the exciting things I've got to look forward to but it didn't work, I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably, tossed my blanket off, and held my head in my hands trying desperately to stop. From past experiences with friendships, I've been ignored because I'm continually canceling plans because at the time I felt far too anxious to go out and socialize. However, my friends didn't except that, and we drifted apart. I'd love a friend who's there for me and able to accept my faults no matter what, However, friendships like that are so hard to find. Now I'm beginning to feel rejected by everyone who I believed was a friend, and I can't help but wonder if I never talked to them again would they even notice.?

To all the friends I've lost over the years I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not being able to tell you how I feel because I'm scared that you might think I'm silly or immature, Im sorry I can't pick up the phone and call you, I'm sorry I can't message you first because I'm scared of saying the wrong things, I'm sorry I can't turn up to your house unannounced, Im sorry I can't go on spontaneous trips because I feel anxious when I'm away from home, and I'm sorry there are uncomfortable silences when we're together. 

When we are together and having lots of fun and laughs, anxiety manages to sneak in and ruin it by bombarding me with a million thoughts, below are just a few of them...

nobody likes you they're just putting up with you
everybody hates you
you look stupid
you're embarrassing yourself
there laughing at you
there pointing at you
there wondering why you are standing like that
Why are you talking like that
why do you smell like that
they're wondering why you have piled on the pounds
they're wondering why always wear leggings
Why do you always have the same hairstyle
they would rather you leave them alone. 

These may sound ridiculous and not a big deal to you, but to me they're constant, and that's what makes me think I'm not good enough for you. You're a confident, bubbly person and I'm negative, needy, and I constantly need reassurance.
This is why I'm so shocked when you invite me out or decide to phone me because that means you truly like me and enjoy my company. So if you can learn to accept that I have anxiety and struggle to maintain myself let alone a friendship then we can be friends. I hate being made to feel guilty for not constantly keeping in touch, it's not that I don't want to it's because one I'm busy trying to be the best mother I can be and not let my son see me anxious, and two I can't stand the way social anxiety makes me feel so unless I've got a great support system I don't want to have to deal with these types of feelings.

I can feel isolated anywhere even if I'm in a room full of people, the other evening we were invited to a family birthday party, it was very crowded and because my partner wanted to chat to everyone I was on my own a lot. I talked to people a little bit until the conversation eventually dried up, and then came the embarrassing, uncomfortable silence. I endured that for a while until I couldn't stand it anymore and said something like 'oh I'll be back in a minute, just popping to the loo' truth is I needed a break for five minutes. Anyway, Everyone is dancing, laughing, talking amongst themselves and I'm standing around looking isolated holding my glass and smiling at whoever looks my way, then it happens I stare into space, the sounds around me become muffled and it's like everyone is speeding past me very fast. All I could think about was how much I wanted to go home, I can't be here anymore, nobody wants to talk to me, everyone thinks I look stupid. Then came the sweating, shaking, and that overwhelming feeling when your body burns up and tingles, I felt really claustrophobic and I had to go outside for some much needed fresh air.

This isn't just at family parties its everywhere take school for example, I wait outside to pick up my son, and I see all the parents chatting with one another laughing and joking about there lives and bearing in mind their backs are completely turned away from me, and it's very distressing.
I really wish I had the courage to walk over and say hello, but I feel physically unable to. I can't help but think that even If I did walk over and strike up a conversation, they would probably choose not to listen and think I was awkward.

I really wish isolation wasn't laughed at because the number of times I've walked into a room or traveled on a bus and been stared at and had to deal with those awful thoughts of everybody looking at me and laughing amongst themselves, well that's what I believe they're doing anyway which as you know is one of the most irritating aspects of anxiety. 

Truth is however much I want friends and be able to stop feeling too scared to socialize, I do prefer to be alone purely because I can't offend anyone, make a laughingstock of myself, or say the wrong things and end up embarrassing myself in some way. So if you're feeling this way, then let's become friends and talk to one another when we're feeling sad, depressed or anxious. 

Have you ever felt this way, or is it just me?