Saturday, 16 February 2019

I've come to realise I have no friends and must suck at friendships!!


It's Saturday night and what am I doing, enjoying a cup of coffee while watching the haunting of hill house, which is really starting to freak me out, which is why I've switched it off and decided to write this post for you all, I hope you can all relate to it in some way.  




I've written previously about how my anxiety makes my friendships really hard but I've since come to realize that I actually don't have any friends that I can count on nobody to talk with, rant with, laugh with, enjoy a few cheeky glasses of wine with, nobody to share any of my vulnerabilities with. It's very depressing. Over the years, I've become a sort of recluse much preferring to stay in my own little bubble away from pain and constant friendship dramas. So in a way, I've become a tiny bit selfish and have neglected those around me. I've tried to push myself and brush my feelings aside because I know it will benefit me in the long run, but It's impossible because when anxiety and depression take over, I can't even get out of bed let alone venture out into the world and socialize. 

I've had around three friendships in the last ten years two of them I've not been overly bothered about as we were not as close and this other friend, I'll briefly explain how we met and how good mates we were at the beginning and how it all went wrong. 

We met at work, and although we didn't talk much at first, we gradually started to become great friends. We enjoyed evenings out, holidays and spoke on the phone for hours on end it was amazing. After I gave birth my entire life changed, and I had absolutely no time to socialize. However, she didn't take this lightly and would ignore all my messages she refused to talk to me unless I made the first move and spoke to her first, which I don't mind doing but come on have some patience please your friend has just given birth, her mind is all over the place, she's exhausted, hasn't showered for a while, her hair is a greasy and she's suffering bloody depression give her a break. But oh no I got treated like I did something wrong, I certainly didn't deserve it.

So after a while, we began to see each other again and granted I was often to busy to make any contact, and I would forget to ask how she was but seriously, pick up the bloody phone and make the first move for a change, friendships are not one-sided. This led to yet another falling out we were celebrating her birthday party, and I was very reluctant to attend because there were so many people and being socially anxious this horrified me. However, I brushed my feelings aside, and after a few too many drinks I began to relax and enjoy myself. Out of nowhere one of her friends confronted me stating that I'm very disrespectful to my friend excuse me, where did that come from.? She began to tell me how amazing my friend was and how she didn't deserve to be treated that way. You can probably imagine how angry that made me feel I tried to defend myself, but it all got too much, and I ran outside for some air. My friend came out and attempted to comfort me. I just exploded and told her how depressed I was, how I felt like I couldn't go on, and how all I needed was a friend somebody who could be there for me with no judgments, and how I felt unable too leave the house or call or text. She apologized, but I decided enough was enough, I was going home and didn't want to talk to anyone. We eventually made up, but it was only a matter of time before it happened again, at a new years eve party which I spoke about here. I realized it was only going to carry on and I was fed up with being the bad guy I was just a struggling new mum I didn't deserve to be treated that way. It became toxic we couldn't agree on anything and I was beginning to lose all respect. We occasionally speak now and again but are not as close as we once were, which really upsets me and reminds me just how lonely I am. 

Which brings me to today, and It's honestly the loneliest I've ever felt. I become super jealous when I see any of my former friends enjoying parties or holidays and I question why I'm never invited or even talked too. The number of times I've sat crying while scrolling through Facebook is ridiculous. It's such a deflating feeling, seeing everybody having fun enjoying their lives, then there's me alone, with nobody to talk to except family and while that's okay, it's not the same as having fun with friends. 

Tonight my partner had a headache and went to bed early, so I'm left watching this scary show by myself. I decided to send a message to my friend, but once again nothing, no reply, no phone call, nothing. I looked on Facebook and noticed her and two of my other friends out enjoying themselves I thought hello where was my invite, they must not think about me at all. I could just be being paranoid and silly, but that's how my mind works, it makes me automatically assume the worst. 

So I've just sat and realized that I have nobody other than family and it really is a depressing thought. I dread the time I'll have to plan my wedding I don't know who I'll to ask to be a bridesmaid, I'll have nobody to plan my hen party, and nobody to share my insecurities with and that really does upset me. I receive no messages, no phone calls, I'm never tagged in facebook posts, I'm never in anyone's pictures, and I'm always surprised when I can rely on someone. I would love a friendship where I'm accepted for who I am, and I don't have to hide how I feel because I'm actually a lot of fun sometimes. It's when my anxiety plays up that I turn into a total wreck. 

If you've made it this far with me ranting on, then thank you so much for reading and let me know if you've ever felt this way. x 





10 comments:

  1. Oh, this is very sad to read about. I am sorry you are feeling like this. But maybe you can change it. Try to reach out to them. Have you talked about your feelings with them? Maybe if you explain it to them they will understand you. Do not give up. If you want something go after it. If you want to go out with them just ask them.

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    1. Hey, unfortunately, they're not the kind of people who listen, and I've now had to learn to accept it however much it upsets me. I'm going to try my best to make some new friends who can relate to me in some way. Thanks for reading and commenting. ♥

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  2. It's very hard overall and even harder with mental illness to develop and maintain friendships. Unfortunately some people do get very defensive with the you call or text me first, family and friends. While hard, this is but a moment in a lifetime and will pass. Keep being you and someone will come into your life that truly appreciates all of you, for you!

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    1. Hey, yes its very hard but I'm going to try and make some new friends who I can relate to in some way and not have to feel guilty for my anxiety. Thanks so much for reading and commenting it truly means a lot. ♥

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  3. Thanks for such an honest post. I am sorry for your struggles. My daughter also struggles with anxiety and these issues. Don't write yourself off yet--you will have friends other than family that you can rely on. hugs

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    1. Hey, thank you, it truly means a lot. Hugs to your daughter too, I hope she's okay it's such a horrible thing to experience. Thanks for reading and commenting. ♥

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  4. I'm in the same boat. I have anxiety, depression, plus I have UC and IBS. They kind of feed off each other like a vicious cycle. I too feel like I don't have anyone close enough just to call up when I need to vent (or if they'd even know or care what's going on in my life) If I won tickets to a concert or something I'd probably just end up taking one of my kids or my husband because I wouldn't know a friend that would actually go with me. I see these other woman who seem to know everyone at the school, often posting pictures of girls night with 4 or 5 woman all taking selfies together and enjoying the moment. I had one friend but she seems to have distanced herself from me recently. Even though I have a husband and 4 kids I feel along sometimes

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    1. Hey, yes its such an awful thing and extremely depressing especially when you want to chat with a friend about something exciting that's happened and you have nobody you can call. I understand about the tickets my partner wanted to through me a birthday party last year, and I had to refuse because I don't know a lot of people and would hate for nobody to show up that would have been awful. This is one of the reasons why I hate looking on Facebook because as you say, everyone is enjoying themselves and planning trips together and it's so sad to see when you have nobody. Thanks so much for reading and commenting truly means a lot. ♥

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  5. I know how you feel 100%, I don’t really have many friends maybe two or three but I don’t really speak to them, so I understand how you feel, you start to feel to alone and don’t really talk to anyone and having mental health illnesses makes it that much harder too. Keep going strong and try and make how you feel heard 😊 x

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    1. Hey, it's such an awful feeling to feel lonely. I try to remain strong by concentrating on other things like writing down all my thoughts and feelings, it truly helps and chatting to all you amazing people makes me feel so comforted and less alone. Thanks so much for reading and commenting. ♥

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