Thursday, 14 March 2019

Gifts I would love to receive to comfort me during anxious days.

Gifts I would love to receive to comfort me during anxious days

They're so many things that I'd love to own which I know would help my anxiety and could benefit me much more than regular gifts like cooking appliances, clothes or the usual bath products. Instead, I would love some cozy, comforting gifts that would make every day a little less stressful and could help calm me down when I'm Anxious or sad.

So I thought I'd share everything that I'd love to receive that would make my Anxiety much more tolerable and soothing and could hopefully give you some ideas for yourself, or somebody you know who suffers this horrible, isolating, scary, complete life ruiner.

Just a quick thing these are affiliate links which means at no extra cost to you I'll receive a small commission.

As you may know lavender is very good for anxiety, and I can't get enough. When I'm anxious It's so difficult to keep calm, however, after a few drops of lavender yes I may still feel a little anxious, but it can decrease my anxiety, so I'm able to feel calmer. It's one of my favorite smells, So I would certainly love to receive some of this. Click the image to purchase

I'd love this I'm one of those people that's continually cold even in the boiling hot summer I have to have some sort of blanket on, yes I sweat my arse off but it's like a comfort thing and something I've always done. This cozy blanket seems so great it's light, has 9 separate heat settings and it's also machine washable this would make an amazing gift. Click image to purchase.

Positivity In a jar, who wouldn't love this. When I'm having one of those anxious, down, negative days. It would be a great thing to make me smile and feel a lot more positive. Click image to purchase.

My cousin has one of these, and It's so amazing, it's relaxing, smells lovely and it can play music so during an anxious episode, it would be great to play some nice chill out sounds while inhaling the aromas. It can help transport you to a different place away from stress and anxiety. Click image to purchase.

I have anxiety nearly every day and struggle to complete daily tasks, with these keep calm cards, you can pull one out and find a specific exercise to make you feel better. There are 55 specially designed cards to truly help you relax. Click the image to purchase. 

An easy way to practice mindfulness. This adorable gift is excellent and has plenty of techniques to create a week-long challenge for yourself. What I think is cute is it includes four gifts in each box to help you with a daily task. Click the image to purchase. 

I love crystals so this would be an amazing gift to receive. The black Tourmaline can help with a number of things as well as anxiety such as pain, blood circulation, sleep, and muscle tension. It also looks really pretty. Click image to purchase. 

I love baths and try to have one every single evening before bed to really help me relax. This aromatherapy bath oil can help de-stress you and it smells amazing. This could definitely help improve anxiety and would make a lovely gift for yourself or somebody else.  Click to purchase.

These are only a few of the things that would help anxiety, and they are all going on my birthday and Christmas lists. 

Let me know if you have tried any of these or if you decide to purchase. 

Thursday, 7 March 2019

Why I started blogging and how much it's helped my mental health.

Before I started this blog, I'd sit each night crying watching some rubbish tv, feeling isolated, depressed and thought if I didn't have my son what would be the point in carrying on. Nobody knew how I was feeling, because I kept everything bottled up apart from the times I would sit and sob uncontrollably, and reassured everyone that I was fine, that it was just mummy hormones. I would stare into space bored and fed up with everything.

One day I was searching online for articles regarding anxiety and depression, and I noticed some amazing blogs, which I now cannot remember because life was a blur during that time. However, after reading and feeling exactly the same, I scrolled down to the comments and noticed the replies were full of like-minded people, and they were extremely supportive of each other its as if they were the best of friends and were there for each other day and night. I would love to have that, all I had was a journal, which I absolutely love but nobody can see it, nobody can comment, nobody can laugh with me, cry with me, and share the same insecurities as me.

After spending weeks questioning myself, wondering If I would be good enough and if anybody would have any interest In what I had to say, not to mention anxiety sneaking in and making me feel like a laughing stock. I couldn't handle people being mean and leaving any nasty comments, that would probably have made me give up, delete and never look online again.  So after months of thinking about it, I told myself that no matter what people will say or think about me its clearly in my mind continually for a reason, and it's not something I can forget so what the hell, I decided to give it a shot.

How I began.

I had no extra money to buy a domain name, so I had to create a free blog on blogger. I created multiple blogs and they weren't going well nobody was reading I had no comments no shares I felt ignored it was very disheartening. I tried several different niches one was a pet blog about cats, the next was an affiliate network blog full of Disney products, the next was about fashion and celebrities, and the one before this was a movie review blog. I wasn't passionate about any of these, I lost interest, and I just didn't have enough knowledge on them which Is why I deleted them.

I also wanted to remain anonymous, only because I didn't want my family to come across one of my posts and possibly be mad that I'm talking online and not to them, plus I would feel so embarrassed and think they would laugh and not take me seriously. I'm completely fine with being anonymous although I do understand that I could probably get some more shares and better promotion if I revealed myself, I'm not ready to do that just yet, I'm not saying never but at the moment being anonymous works fine. 

I wanted to write about my anxiety and depression, but I was too afraid In case I'd receive criticism it would horrify me, and I didn't feel brave enough to have to deal with that. So after weeks of feeling like a failure, one evening I was writing in my journal and suddenly thought this would be amazing if somebody could read it. So out came my laptop and I questioned for the best part of an hour if I should or shouldn't but I did, I logged into, and stared at the screen attempting to come up with a username everything I picked was already taken, So I explored online for prompts and came across several which I liked, but again they were taken. I looked up words to describe depression and found the word broken than another word I saw on a magazine, which said peaceful so I played around with the words and decided to go with peacefully broken and that was that. To this day I'm not sure if I picked the right name, but I've had no negative comments about it, so I'm guessing it's okay, what do you think? 

I did it I made a blog, at that point, I had some extra money and brought my own domain name and I was ready, I kept the design rather simple then I started to write some posts.

How did I promote? 

At first, I only promoted my posts on Pinterest, which was okay I received some shares and saves, no comments though, but as long as people were reading that was more than enough for me. Time went past, and I started to realize that I needed more views and comments. I researched, and I read about bloglovin, and medium I placed my blog on all three and again received some shares and reads but that was it. I didn't feel connected with people, I wanted to talk, and realize what I was writing was actually helping somebody. As I mentioned above, I was too afraid to reveal my true self, so I tried to stay away from facebook and twitter in case my family noticed that it was me, but I realized I had to do it, it was the only way to gain more exposure.

So I signed up for Twitter rather than Facebook because most of my family haven't got twitter accounts so nobody could find me. Below are the names again of where I promote my posts, in case you're struggling like I was.

  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • Blogloving

How amazing Twitter is for promotion. 

I don't know why I didn't use twitter all along its amazing, I've made friends with like-minded people, my posts have been retweeted, and I've had plenty of comments which I never had before, everyone has been lovely and incredibly supportive. I no longer sit each night sad and alone I can log into Twitter and see what others are feeling and engage in conversations.

Each time I finish a post I immediately share to twitter which helps if you use relevant hashtags, and there are profiles on Twitter that you can mention and they will retweet your post to lots of their followers for you, it's great and very helpful. I would highly recommend using Twitter for promotion not only can you make friends but it can grow your blog immensely.

I have also been nominated for numerous versatile blogger awards, which was such a shock, I was overjoyed because I truly thought nobody would be interested in anything I had to say, so it was such a pleasant surprise.

How blogging has helped my anxiety and depression. 

As I said, I often feel so lonely, and I want to share my story with the world. I do have some very low days and have nobody to talk to, so I take out my laptop, erratically type away at an incredible rate, I cry, I laugh, I sob, and I have the never-ending doubts in my mind where I'm debating whether or not to press publish. However, after receiving a heartfelt comment, it makes the entire thing well worth it. Whenever I've had troubles in life I've wanted to hide away, take myself to bed and ignore the world but instead, I've written about it, and it truly does make me feel ten times better. It helps me get all my negative emotions out in the open and completely clears my mind. 

The people I talk to are from all over the world, and it's amazing to think that there are others out there, however many miles away you can connect with and help each other. My partner has noticed that in the last couple of weeks, I've sounded happier and haven't been crying uncontrollably on and off. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of bad days where my anxiety has got so bad that I physically can't even think about blogging, so I'm not saying its a lifelong cure or anything, but it's a pleasant way to beat loneliness and let out any thoughts and frustrations.

I highly recommend starting a blog, yes at first it can be dishearting because of the lack of comments or shares, but if you keep at it and try your best to connect with people, comment on some peoples blog posts which is very good for promotion, and post regularly you'll get there. Hopefully, you'll start to see some of the amazing effects it can have on mental health.

Thanks for reading I hope I have helped in some way. 

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

15 things I do on a day to day bases because of depression

15 things I do on a day to day bases because of depression

There are so many things I do each day that a lot of people don't understand and I'm usually told to grow up, It's all in your head, you don't look or sound depressed, just get over it. I don't know about you but that just pisses me off and makes me feel increasingly isolated and emotional. 

I've spoken to many people about depression, and a lot of us don't realize that the simple things we're doing each day do not make us weird or outcasts, it's simply down to the horrendous effects of depression and anxiety. Because I love to help people feel better about themselves and realize that they're not alone. I've chosen to list these 15 things below so you can feel rest assured that they are common and go hand in hand with anxiety and depression. 

Lay awake for hours before getting out of bed. 
I don't do this so much now because I have to make myself get up for the school runs and mum duties, but on the days when my partner takes care of our son, I'll lay there for hours either staring into space or scrolling on my phone trying my hardest to go back to sleep because I can't bear the idea of getting up and trying to make it through the day.

Constantly be on my phone. 
When my son is home I obviously don't do this because most of my attention is focused on him, but during school hours and bedtimes I'm constantly scrolling through social media or playing games. I find it really distracting, and it can help my mind focus on something else entirely.

Canceling plans at the last minute. 
I can make tons of plans to see people and then at the last minute, I'll become so anxious that I'll much rather stay home away from anyone and stay in my own little bubble.

Binge eat
I will snack on something even if I'm not hungry it's comforting and distracting. Although after I'll immediately regret it, think about my weight and worry that I've damaged my health in some way. 

Seem rude or antisocial 
When I find myself in a social situation I struggle with my words, suddenly become silent, and try not to make any eye contact. People think I'm being rude and obnoxious, but I'm really not, I'm just terrified to speak in case I make a fool of myself. 

Freak out about financial issues and bills 
I try to pay bills on time, but when I'm late paying, I freak out and not want to discuss it. I imagine debt collectors knocking on the door and taking me to prison.

Constantly feel tired
I could go back to bed any time of day and fall asleep instantly because I'm overwhelmed with how the day is going and I'm finding it hard to remain calm. However, during the night it becomes so difficult because I'm worried about the day ahead, and I find it hard to switch off.

Being mean to loved ones
I honestly don't know how my partner sticks around, I can go from 0 to 100 real quick and say some truly horrible things. Afterwards I feel so guilty and angry with myself.

Giving up on household chores 
Sometimes I'll refuse to clean the dishes, or I'll neglect to tidy up and people think I'm being lazy but I'm really not, it's just I cannot bring myself to do these things.

Refusing to shower for days 
This may sound gross to some people but sometimes I physically cannot make myself shower, I'll wash and make sure I'm not smelly, my hair is often neglected and eventually, I will have to force myself to shower.

Imagine a better life. 
I sit with the tv on not even watching because my mind wonders and I'm picturing a better life away from depression and anxiety. I imagine being filthy rich, own a lovely big house, go on holidays, have lots of friends, and give my son the best life I can give him without ever being sad again.

Refuse to speak on the phone. 
I'll never answer a phone call, I'll wait until the phone stops ringing and then I'll send a text because I  hate having to talk in case I say something embarrassing or offensive.

Telling everyone that 'Im fine' 
If I'm a little moody or upset I'll never tell anyone, I'll reassure people that I'm fine even though I could break down in tears and have a mini breakdown right then and there.

Constantly remember past mistakes. 
I will sit and remember stuff that happened maybe 10 or 15 years ago or something that happened to me as a child and its never the happy memories it will always be the unhappy ones which I would much rather forget.

Become convinced that everybody hates me. 
I feel like people don't like me instead they just putting up with me because they feel they have to.

Do you feel any of these things?

Tuesday, 5 March 2019

My first evening out in a long time, turned into a nightmare!!!!!

The reason I love blogging is I can let go of all my upsets, frustrations and let out everything that's bothering me and making me feel depressed. I've been stewing on this for the last two days and because I'm so embarrassed I haven't told anyone what has happened apart from my partner, until now, I'm going to share this with all of you because you guys really make me feel better when I'm down and honestly help me to smile. So please stick around until the end of this post and give me some much needed advice. 

I've spoken previously about having no real friends which if you haven't already read and you would like to, then click here. So after a year of ignoring me unless I messaged first, one of my friends chose to make contact with me and for obvious reasons, I'm not going disclose any real names, so let's just call this friend Betty. Well, Betty phoned me at the beginning of last week and asked me out for dinner and a few drinks. Now as you know I have social anxiety and I'm often canceling my plans, so I declined on more than one occasion. However, betty bombarded me with texts and phone calls until I felt like I had to because I didn't want to keep refusing out of fear that it will end our friendship completely. I regretfully agreed also I hadn't been on a night out in years since I broke my leg, so I was terrified.

The dreaded day finally arrived, and I felt very shaky and physically sick. I received a message from Betty informing me that another old friend was coming, I'll call her Mary. So Betty picked me up, and we had a few pre-drinks at her house and everything was fine we laughed, made jokes, traded stories from the past and after a few hours we were on our way to dinner. After we finished stuffing our faces we decided to head to a local bar obviously, I had a few drinks by this point, so I felt a lot more confident.

After more and more drinks and several shots, we were dancing and having an amazing time. Then everything suddenly went downhill. I walked to the toilet, after Betty and Mary kind of left me out and did their own thing and you know how it is, when your drinking you make friends with anyone, well I do anyway. I met a girl in the toilet and we got on immediately, we had lots in common but out of nowhere, Betty appeared with a face of thunder and was extremely rude, shouting 'who the hell is that' and 'why are you talking to her' right in front of this girl, I was mortified. My new friend left and I felt extremely angry, I told the pair of them that I wanted to go home.

Walking through the streets Betty and Mary were behind laughing and joking and I was just pissed off, all I wanted to do was go home, and you know when you're in that frame of mind, you suddenly walk at an incredible rate or is that just me.?

So, before I knew it I was miles in front, and then I heard them yelling my name I shook my head and carried on, I thought I could get myself home but just my luck I lost my handbag with my money in very irresponsible I know, and this is why I hate going out to drink. I turned back thinking maybe one of them had my bag but as I approached I had betty screaming at me asking what she did wrong and all I said was I don't want to talk I just want to go home to which mary pushed me against a wall and held me there so I couldn't move and proceeded to scream in my face. When I eventually pushed betty off me and tried to walk away, mary decided to have a turn she held me against a wall, telling ME TO CALM DOWN. What the hell I was calm all I was doing was defending myself, against two people trying deliberately to provoke me. I asked two passers-by to get her off, they walked over and she eventually let go of me pushing me to the ground I quickly got up and screamed at the pair of them to stay away from me and carried on walking. By this point, it started to rain I was soaking wet and freezing cold.

I walked around the corner and found a taxi line as I queued up mary shouted my name again, I looked away, but she stood next to me and began to tell me how horrible and offensive I was to the pair of them. I giggled, and yes I did get a little angry from the blatant lies. Once again I told her that all I wanted to do was go home, and how they were the ones who pushed and held me against a wall for no obvious reason. Mary suddenly responded with I'm gonna punch you in the face, I said go ahead, not believing she actually would but to my shock she did, and I was screaming with anger at this point. A few onlookers believed I would hit her back and held my arms. However, I assured them that I would never do that because I'm not a violent person, I hate confrontation and any type of conflict. I'm a quiet, friendly person and I didn't deserve any of this.

The next thing I knew I was approached by a policeman and I explained about the whole incident, he asked where they were but of course they were gone by this point I couldn't see them anywhere. I told him all I wanted to do was get home and I was waiting for a taxi, he stayed with me for several minutes, until I calmed myself down and then he left. But being so agitated, I neglected to tell him that all my money was in my bag which I lost, so I stood there scared and freezing cold, and I was actually considering walking home, which would have been a good hours walk away. As soon as the police disappeared, out came my so-called friends, I noticed Mary was on the phone staring straight at me as she spoke, I asked who she was talking to and it was none other than my partner who was at home.

He must have been hitting some nerves because she was getting angry, I demanded to talk to him and because I was feeling humiliated I began sobbing and informed him that I didn't do anything wrong, he tried to comfort me and asked where my money was, I told him I lost it and I had no way of getting home. He told me that he had money and to get in a taxi and he will pay the other end. That was all well and good, but no taxi was allowing it without being paid upfront, by this point mary walked over to me again, I held out my arm and told her to stay away from me, she asked me if I wanted to share a cab with them, of course I didn't they both just treated me like a piece of trash but I had to swallow my pride and agree.

The ride home was incredibly awkward, Betty was sitting next to me with her back turned looking out the window, and there was an uncomfortable silence. As we arrived at Betty's, I realized my phone was in her house so I asked Betty to please get it, and as you can imagine I got a foul-mouthed response so mary got it for me instead. Once she eventually returned to the taxi with my phone, Mary informed me that Betty had a message for me to stay out of her life I chuckled and said 'tell her she could have told me herself' and 'I'll gladly stay out both you're lives' she said bye and slammed the door then the taxi took me home.

Once I arrived home, I was so upset and hugged my partner, he told me I did nothing wrong, and I never have to see the pair of them again. The next day I was in so much pain, my chest was bruised, my cheek was hurting even though there was no bruise or anything, my left arm was so painful to move, which was obviously where they dragged me around, I was so sore.

After laying in bed all morning while my partner took care of our son, I cried on and off for hours and felt totally humiliated. I questioned over and over again if I provoked them, but I really didn't, all I wanted to do was go home. I truly didn't deserve any of it. I did nothing wrong but make friends with somebody else, yes I walked ahead of them but did that mean I deserved them being violent towards me?

After a few more hours feeling depressed in bed, I decided to send a simple polite text to Mary saying

'I'm sorry If I offended either of you, but I don't want to speak or hear from the pair of you again. I didn't deserve that I could understand If I did something terrible, but all I did was talk to somebody else. How could you treat one of your friends like that? We're not teenagers, we are In our thirties there's no need to be violent and offensive.' 

The response I received simply said 'The feelings mutual.' no apology nothing. And what happened next I logged into facebook deleted and blocked the pair of them, removed all our photos and even blocked their phone numbers so they cannot contact me. That may sound immature, but it made me feel a little smug and better about myself.

My shoulder is feeling a little better, yet my chest is still bruised and sore, and I'm still feeling humiliated. I just can't get it out of my head, no matter how hard I try. I've never been treated that way in my life, I've never been in any type of physical confrontation and It's not something I ever want to experience again. I feel like a small part of this was my fault and it's getting me so down and miserable every time I think about it.

So what do you guys think, was it my fault?

And have you got any tips of blocking this horrible experience out of my mind?